Demiversary (Six months after)

It’s been six months since my face got kicked in with a scalpel. Linu told me that the results I experience after six months will most likely be the results I’ll live with for the rest of my life. I’m also still completely numb in the lower left corner of my bottom lip and chin. I don’t believe this is permanent. It doesn’t actually bother me though, because the only time I notice it is when I’m having food. Yeah. Anyway.  My orthodontist still has me wearing annoying rubberbands - currently on my very back molars to pull the top and bottom ones closer together. And that results, swelling  all over my lips and cheeks and some of that still there on my face so today's snaps are not giving the exact condition of my face. Its amazing how many things my orthodontist finds those are wrong with my mouth.  It’s incredible really.  I figure, hey, I can’t chew food, I can’t talk, and my smile is pretty heavy(I can’t really arch my lips on smile curve) - what more could a girl ask for, so please take these braces off!   SOOOO on to much more exciting things....likeeeeee BEFORE AND AFTER XRAYS! woohooo  Its actually kind of embarrassing that I'm posting these now(on xray link) because they were taken back in early this month- but i don't have a decent scanner and its taken me this long to call that KK Dental Xray's office and have them emailed to me.  Who knows how long it will be before I get around to getting the actually photos of my face.  While you're checking back on the status of my chin, you can see whether i've gotten them yet:)

I’ll begin with the good news, since I believe we should always focus on the positive (unlike, say, the news). I’ve received a lot of positive comments regarding how different I look. I still fail to see the change, but my entire social circle can’t be wrong.

Now for the less than optimal news. I’ve been left with a big nose and cheeks around that turned up like sinus (My friends often doubted that as sinus). This makes me remember one famous Malayalam Book ‘ Viswavikhyathamaaya Mooku (The World Renowned Nose)’ and i started noticing people who has long nose(in TV also real world) and I compare mine with that. So I’m considering having a second surgery performed to sort that out. It would be far less intense than the first one, since all the surgeon would have to do is make a single cut along the roof of my nose. I wish to add a dimple tooo like one Dr .Jeomy has and the sinus effect also sorted out then. Dr. Jimmy Thomas gonna do this all for but he’s out of station now… I’m now waiting for his return……

That’s the end of the news. We’ll now go to intermission with some snaps which I clicked today…..!!!!!!

Happy 6th EYEniversary....!!!! (Wood anniversary)

I've lived with strabismus over 15 years. Also called crossed eyes, lazy eye, turned eye, squint, double vision, wall eyes, floating, wandering, wayward, or drifting eyes. Strabismus has never been a handicap but rather a challenge for me. I’ve always found alternative ways to do the difficult things, and I’ve enjoyed many silver and golden linings. Strabismus not only affects vision. Many suffer social embarrassment, lost job opportunities, and a host of other problems. Yet, living with eyes apart forces us to adapt, meet the challenge, and become stronger. I just feel that the strabismus is such a turn-off to people that I would never have any luck, getting job, etc, as sad as that may sound. However, I don’t really even blame people for looking at me strangely – I even think it looks bad! I only remember meeting one other person in my life with strabismus like mine, and honestly it’s hard NOT to look at their eye when you meet them – it just stands out so clearly.

I had eye muscle surgery in 23rd October 2006… Exactly 6 years back at Chaithanya Eye Hospital & Research Centre. My surgeon is highly recommended Dr. Abraham Kurian. A great personality with a nice friendly approach and describing everything even the smallest thing about surgery again and again. He made me aware of my eye’s current situation and had given a clear view about my surgery what can we clear through this and what not. Surgery went nice, my first surgery experience through local anesthesia… The whole time during surgery I was talking with my surgeon so I never felt like I’m going through a surgery, He didn't make me feel so. And today I’m celebrating the 6th anniversary of my surgery, lateral rectus recession. My eyes had been drifting a lot more prior to the surgery, and had become increasingly unstable and uncomfortable. It was difficult to hold a focus to read. My eyes are much more comfortable since the surgery, less tension, and I get a lot less headaches now. My eyes don’t drift as spastically as before surgery.    

Exactly two weeks after the surgery, I went to class and the redness was almost gone and I could look my classmates straight into their eyes for the first time in my life and they did not look away or past me. What a feeling!. 

My surgeon had told me at my one month checkup that I would likely need medial rectus resection in the fall. But when I went back after a month, he didn’t seem to think that would help and made prism glasses instead. The prism glasses didn’t help either. Things were much distorted with them, and I saw two images of everything.  I’ve since gotten old biconcave glasses from my local optometrist, and I could see out of them much better. I had to hold things very close to my face to read with them, and can’t read for a long time like I’d hoped. I remembered my doctor’s words…. ‘Give intervals when you are reading….. Don’t give much tension to your eye muscles’….. It was really hard for me since that is not my habit but am tried to adjust to them….

A Few words to my readers not to my readers but those who is having Strabismus is don’t get worry about your decease just do corrective surgery as fast as you can… Time can influence your vision cell’s growth, the fast you do the greater will be the result. You just need to find out a specialist who is capable of understanding your worries and anxities .Surgery won’t be panic or painful. You will need to take one or two different drops three times a day for about a month after the surgery. One suggestion. Turn off the lights above you when you put your drops in. Yes, the white parts of the eyes are scary red for the first few days, and then quickly improve. Indoors, you can probably wear regular sun glasses. There no eye patching in case you wondered.

The only way to approach Strabismus surgery is to take it for better or for worse. If it is better, as it seems to be for many, that will be wonderful. But if it is worse, be prepared to accept the challenge and continue onward. Life is a lot more than what I see. It is who I am and who God is teaching me to be. Life is exciting, it is bigger than strabismus, and great to be part of it, so let’s roll!

Right Now going to blow off candles then cutting a cake to celebrate my 6th EYEniversary….!!!!

Happily Depressed!!

I saw Dr. Oommen last Tuesday and he wants me to take new OPG to check whether the problem related to jaw healing. . I was bit worried, I just remembered my friend’s words, Relapse can cause with this kinda surgeries but i'm pretty over aged for that and that was the only consolation  I went KK dental 'xray & framing center' on Wednesday after class to take OPG and i 'm scheduled to see him again next Thursday morning.

I saw my surgeon today and the first thing I did was sit for an x-ray. He said everything looked great and the pain is nothing related with my jaw healing (thank God!). He added that may be this problem related to my teeth and braces so he wanna discuss this issue with my Orthodontist for that he is keeping my OPG’s, old and new(before and after surgeries) and asked me to collect that from his assistant afterwards.

Now I’m waiting for the call from my doctors….. Don’t know how much days I should wait…. From my past experience I know definitly that would take atleast one month… so I’m giving limits and continueity for that time interval, limit,  x=today i.e 4th oct 2012 to infinity hehe …  I’m wondering how’ll I treat my new guest(pain)  till then?? My Surgeon has told me no need of taking pain killers….. how’ll have food without fear?????

Missed Appointment

Also i have noticed something a little odd. Now I am feeling a strange pain on the bottom left side of my chin…. If i drink or eat something the shaking effect on the joined area (left chin bone to lips) seems to have increased a bit and two teeth started hurting over the lips…. It feels very strange but the same time bearable too so I didn’t give much attention to it at first but  every morning I’ve started finding clot blood particles being jammed on my teeth and braces and which doesn’t made me sad because I’ve already had this many times before my surgery. And I really know it would be there with me for sure until the braces come off, which might only be after a 6 months now… Later I found matters getting worse day by day… Chin bone pain is small at the same time it was having enough strength to wake me up from sleep and stops me my works in between. I‘ve started feeling that like a warning signal and i still don’t really know how things have turned out which is frustrating. Ringed Dr. Jeomy and he wants me to discuss this with my orthodontist Dr. Rodney but on that particular day I was having some serious paper work at class so I missed the appointment. I missed the appointment which doesn’t mean that I’m giving more/less priority to my studies/treatment but I loved that day’s work and I gave soo much time, attention and hardwork for that so wish to present that on that day itself. This is the first time in my whole treatment period I’m missing one appointment and I paid for that too  Pain started gradually increasing day by day and lower jaw turned stiff and shaking hard when I try to eat something and the joined area including lips hurts like I’m trying to some do some over work with it.  Tried to contact Dr. Jeomy again… I knew that he’ll get angry but I have no option left in my side other than that. Dr. Jeomy went angry as I expected. He suggested me to consult Dr. Oommen. 

My sweet new born chin hurts today

Well its over a month now since i had the top done and today I got the bottom fit….. My orthodontist pulled my lower lip out to get full access with bottom teeth but that almost killed me felt like to push that doctor as hard as possible and rush out of that clinic like Ganga did in Manichitrathazhu movie….. But I don't like to scream, and don't wanna disturb my doctor's work so kept my mouth open silently eating the paining signals…… 

On my way back to home I felt an awful sensation on my chin bones (left one) and slowly that spreading onto left lip and chin area (ohhh my sweet new born chin, I love u!!!!) I’ll take pain killer after reaching home, I thought but for my great relief that slowly winded up…. Teeth pain was there and that digging effect ….  Hmmm I need to attend Dr. Murukan’s wedding treat day after…. Will I able to be there happily???

Going to have a quiet day today reading and watching movies on my laps.. Chin and lower set of teeth complaining occasionally about the new fixtures put on. Oh well at least i know from experience now its a week of sheer hell and then it’ll settle down a bit. Fingers crossed till then ‘eh!

Back to Brace's World..:D

Well I got the top fit today…  I thought it might hurt like hell but I was ok with that pain I guess…  Not so severe one, I could simply bear that pain which that brace offers….  My orthodontist hopes that we’ll do the bottom after a week….  Now I’m back on to those old days, swelling, bleeding, antibiotics but,  

                       No pain, no gain don’t they say? Bring it on!!

No Pain All Gain

Saw my Orthodontist Dr. Rodney for the first time post surgery on Saturday. He said everything was looking fine and was amazed how much my profile changed! I told him everything was going great, but my nose became little bigger and the flesh around my nose turned up like sinus which only happens at old age and that bother me every now and then but he doesn't felt any kinda problem there. He just removed the digging wire from my mouth and granted one and half month rest before moving on to the braces world, i pleaded for a six month gap. And he complained Dr. Jeomy for my request then he just laughed that off..... 

Back to Real World!!!

7th July(73rd Day)

Saw my surgeon (Dr. Jeomy) today and he removed the wiring which has been put inside my mouth and it hurt very badly…. But not that much pain I happy to say apart from a nasty sharp wire that seems to be digging into the bottom of my left cheek. He wishes me to consult Dr. Rodney to continue with my ortho treatment… He hopes that wire can be removed according to Dr. Rodney’s consent…. 

I went to my friend’s wedding reception on Thursday and was really nervous about seeing people again, and what they would think! Will they give the same response of my aunts and cousins? They've already told me that they failed to trace out changes on my face.... And the response was hugely varied, some people said they couldn’t really tell and others thought i looked hugely different. The whole subject certainly gave me something to talk about.  In terms of how I think I look – yes i think i look better on photos (when i compare the before and after shots) - but in real life I’m not completely decided.  I am guessing that most of the swelling has gone by now – so what i can see is just me….but I’m definitely not used to it yet. I don’t think I’ll really know for sure until the braces come off, which might only be a couple of months now. No pain with the braces now, but i seem to have a new contact point with one of my teeth at the front, which is a bit tender. And gaps appeared in between…..

I’m seeing my Orthodontist on Wednesday - so I wonder what he will think! Will he give the same opinion of Dr. Murukan or what?

Fourth Appointment post surgery (51th Day after)

Had another appointment with my surgeon today and he was very much happy to see my new face…. He said swelling almost over now and we can continue ortho treatment and for that he’ll contact Dr. Rodney today…… Moreover now we could remove the wiring inside and he’ll contact Dr. Jeomy for that. Then my nose who's size increased a bit as a side effect of this surgery can be reduced through a minor nose surgery (I’ve been informed this before) if I’m that much bothered about this and now we can move on to that segment too… and for that he asked me to contact Dr. Jimmy Thomas and review after 1 month…

In return I’ve received one call from Dr. Murukan to collect my treatment chart from him…. So I redirected my journey to his clinic… He appeared very pleasantly and showed a big applause to see my new look…. He said my face has changed a lot!!! And advised me to do that nose surgery as fast as possible….. 

Third Appointment Post Surgery (29th day)

The swelling has come down loads and almost full of my nerve sensation of upper lip, cheeks and nose retained but I had to fight with pimples, which has been spread all over my face and neck. Actually it is like prickly heat not pimples….. Itching and spreading from one part to another…… My surgeon advised me to visit one Dermatologist….


He checked my new X-ray and OPG, and explained the way did surgery…there was two wiring and two steel plates in the top set of teeth and two wiring in the bottom set of teeth.  He added that Dr. Jeomy will remove all wiring's and the steel plate doesn't need to kick out…. Once again he tightened those bolts and asked me to review after one month.

I’ve taken an appointment with Dr. Rajesh nair, Dermatologist on Tuesday (29th may) … He told me this is not actual pimples but it’s  a side effect of steroids which have been applied on my body after surgery…. He prescribed one gel (DERIVA BPO) and one face wash(ACNE GEL)…… My face scares me when I have a look on mirror… God let this pimples go down sooo fast!!!!!

My pimply face when that turn up first time

3 weeks post operation.

I am getting more and more nerve sensation every day though. My cheeks are now definitely a lot less swollen, but it’s hard to see the improvement yourself, day to day. The pictures I’ve taken give some signs of it and i think the stitches are starting to dissolve in my mouth; I’ve got some parts out of my mouth after brushing and in between tongue and teeth. My bottom lip just won’t do what i want it to. I can’t stretch it out and make it go tight at all… Aside from that I’ve generally got more movement in my mouth and lips. Although from some of the pictures, my mouth looks a bit weird! I’m a bit worried about all the numbness in my chin….I think its gradually getting less, but its still a million miles away from normal. I wonder how long it will take?

Second Appointment Post Surgery (15th day after)

Saw my surgeon today; He repeated the same words of the other surgeon…. Swellings will be there for some weeks and I only having swelling more or less which a 15th day post patient suppose to have… he asked me to take two x-rays (x-ray and OPG) when I visit him next time and tightened the screws in side my mouth.

Post 10th day after operation....

I wish the swelling would go down now! I’m on day what now, 10 and i still don’t really know how things have turned out which is frustrating. When I saw myself on mirror I felt very much sad my lips is having a close resemblance with krimi tomy’s(Rimi Tomy) and my nose exactly like chenni’s(Ramesh chennithala)….

I had a bad night last night. Woke up at 3am. The joints on both jaws felt frozen stiff and I had a huge headache… Not only last night had I started having disturbed sleep with full of short dreams…  Dreams like the stories of short story book… participants which I’ve not met or knew and story which I never ever imagined or heard... i wakeup after the end or middle of each story panting and panicked….. Feeling bored of these stuffs I stopped sleeping so fast, watched a lot of horror and action movies which my cousin and friend Sonu had given me….. Saw twilight saga again and again…. Wish to be one of them….. A vampire, without aging, without sleeping... how sweet hehe…. :):)

I tried to get out of one nasty pimple which turned up just below my nose and which caused the swelling boost up to my nose which was free from swelling before…..  This frightened me a little…. Ringed Dr. Jeomy, he said swellings will be there more or less, up to one month nothing to worry about that….:) I relieved a bit…. But really tired of this pumpkin face…. God!!!! Please help .... Please help me to finish one month sooo fast!!!!!

"Crawling in my skin

These wounds they will not heal

Fear is how I fall

Confusing what is real"

The First Post surgery Appointment (7th Day after)

My first appointment after surgery, and it went pretty well…. Saw my surgeon which was nice. He said he was very pleased with the result and said that my mouth is having enough hygiene and keep like this always…. He remembered me to use baby brush only and keep rinsing mouth each time after I’m having food…… He advised to use cold water for shower and tightened the screws which he put inside my mouth. I asked if there was any possibility in the future if the screws/plate would come loose. He assured me they wouldn't and I have nothing to worry about. He's only had to do one or two corrective surgery before in his above 300 surgeries career. The screws he uses now are pretty small and there is no way I'd be able to feel them. 

He asked me to smile and when I smiled he said now it is like I’m smiling under a curtain and I’ll be able to smile well after all swellings disappears (Well Dr. Rodney remembered me that I’ll be able smile only after the braces off). He suggested me to have all homely food apart from hardest ones…. Asked me to start chewing slowly and keep soft food diet…. He consoled me that my vomiting tendency and nose issues will gradually go off with swelling……

I called Dr. Jimmy, to thank him and to describe him about my operation….

I think it’s time to check out some other blogs to find out how other people are getting on…..

4th Day Post Surgery…..

Well I’m now back home…The sensation of my jaw healing is a bit odd and quite grim as the swelling moves around. As soon as my next dosage is due i can feel my face physically freezing up but this is much better on day 4 than it has been.

Things those were better than expected:

          1. The anesthetic. Really wasn't so scary. I didn’t feel sick and i couldn’t feel them pulling the tubes in or out it didn’t hurt.
          2. I didn’t felt any kinda throat pain or nose and I able to breath through nose.
          3. Looking in the mirror after you’ve had the surgery and thinking – o what have i done…!
          4. Catheter also doesn't hurt me or scared me.
          5. The pain generally. Is not like any sort of pain I’ve really felt before and although its bad, its not severe and is more of a dull sensation than anything else…
          6. It doesn't affect my speech.
          7. Getting home from hospital and being able to watch DVDs, TV and listen to the music at any time of day or night…!

Things those were worse than expected:

         1. How weird your new mouth feels. My tongue didn’t fit properly, I kept wanting to bite it at the front and at the side.  Having a swollen tongue and inside of your mouth is particularly unpleasant….
         2. Brushing when you cannot spit is more of a challenge than you might realize. You have to act like you have just now received a big impact on your face while gurgling.
3. Not being able to feel your mouth, dribbling down your chins constantly and wondering whether the sensation will ever come back!
         4. Not able to feel the satisfaction when you try to scratch your itching lips and cheeks.
         5. Running nose and the vomiting tendency which turns up with every kinda minute smells. (tissue, towel, soap, perfumes, plates, mug….. etc)

I’ve not felt any kinda pain and that put me on a great surprise…. I’ve been waiting long to receive great pain and pain killers as a nightmare…. Only I felt irritation with these swellings, dull sensation and the cold feeling which that delivers I’m happy to say, apart from a nasty sharp wire that seems to be digging into the bottom of my left chin. Well i know it is! And my chin is sore and bruised. And each morning when i wake up all the fixtures feel like they are welded into the side of my mouth. Its a very strange sensation. I’ve invested one mouth wash tooo which kept me away from infecting plaque and deposits as I’m not able to brush properly. But its taste seems so sharp and I afraid it will cause ulcers on all across the inside of my mouth and tongue….  

1st Day Post Surgery

It was a fantastic dawn I’d like to say…. That angel (nurse) helped me to wash my face, wipe off the tears and pus from eyes, rinse my mouth with cold water (I shocked to see, black colored water coming out from my mouth), combed my hair parted that as two and plaited that then tied with bandage, changed my bedding, She was having a nice smile whenever she looks at me…. I loved her smile and her dedication… wish to see her again but I don’t know her name then how??????

I have been shifted to room 644 soon after my surgeon’s (Dr. Oommen) visit…. He visited me there at post operation ward…. I was boring there, desperate,counting minutes and thinking when I shall shift to ward…..  My surgeon’s face consoled me a lot…. A familiar and friendly face in an unfriendly world!!!!  He said Sherin, now you will be shifted to room….. Now you are fine… nothing to worry!!! Catheter will be removed tomorrow.... Now we could stop this drip also.. I wondered will i able to take food with this broken mouth??? i asked the same with him... He smiled and that smile was really encouraging then said, Liquids first, then you could move on to soft solid foods.. And a lot of pleasant words… he explained about his beginning of career as a doctor, his patients, salary and the place where he started his career…. It was really interesting and i wish to hear him more but they shifted me without giving time to listen that fully…..:(


I was wheeled to my room. My mom and sister were in the room and as soon as the nurse got me settled in I hugged my mom and sister so tightly. I wasn't in that much pain or anything, I just think there were so many emotions going through me all at once.

Room no 644, heaven as compared with general ward…mmmm my next 2 days paradise I thought. I asked mom for a mirror to see my pumpkin face!!!! Yeah, it was far far better than what I expected but my eyebrows…. Half of the left eye brow is missing!!! Then I found some sticky plaster gum on forehead and right eyebrow…. Oh they have removed my eyebrow along with that plaster!!!!! Soooo saaadddddd!!!! Hmmmmmm

Afternoon Dr. Suvy Manuel came for a checkup!!! He introduced himself to us…. Oh my Mahesh Babu!!! but he’s not looking like that now!!!! What’s the difference??? I wondered hmmm… oh yeah gotchaaa……he is having mustache now and without that only he got that look!!!! In the mean time he have given a lot of advises like take one glass water in every one hour… you should consume cold water only… use baby brush for brushing…. Wash your mouth each and every time after food….. Rinse off with cold water….. Don’t apply any kinda pressure on teeth… catheter should be removed and that nurse will do that tomorrow morning…. Etc etc etc…. but I wish to tell him please remove that mustache, without that you look like Mahesh Babu…. He is soooo handsome you know…..!!!!!!!

The BIG Day….. The BIG Surgery.....

My operation wasn’t scary but it was a nice and an interesting experience….. I got up early morning around 5 AM after a disturbed sleep and took shower ( another one bathroom which Sheba has shown me last evening, which was better than the other )…. Around 8 Am duty nurse came with IV and they digged that inside my right hand and closed with a cap…. They made a channel for drip!!!!!! Then around 8 30 they again appeared with my uniform and a wheel chair to take me for the surgery….. I wasn’t sad, felt happy and was curious to know what gonna happen next…. Just waved bye to my mom and sister and said bye to that general ward!!!!

Inside the pre operation room they made me lay down on a stretcher attached a BP checking thing on my left arm and i was then wheeled onto the operation theater…I closed my eyes for a while then prayed 

And now I lay me down to sleep

I pray the LORD my soul to keep

And if I die before I wake

I pray the LORD my soul to take....

Inside the operation theater, there I found some familiar faces apart from those whom which I expected to be there, anesthesiologists, Dr Shaji Azad, Dr. Sreevidya….. I’ve seen one nurse applying gel on two tubes… after a while that suppose to be inside my nose oochhhh!!!! Then Dr. Azad and one lovely unfamiliar doctor (later I found his name, Dr. Mahadevan) talked with me… I asked about the various machines on that room and Dr. Mahadevan clarified me that all… then I asked for my surgeons, they didn't turned up yet. Dr mahadevan said, don’t worry……they are on the way. Dr Mahadevan asked me about my college stuffs as if he is sooo interest to know that…. I knew they are changing my attention from the nurse who started digging my leg to make path for another IV on my left leg…. I just started replying him and suddenly dragged on to sleep!!! conscious to unconscious state without seeing my surgeons…. I thought I’ll be giving anesthesia after their arrival only……….

I’ve seen my uncle Titus chatting with someone not so far away from me…. I called him uncle and raised my hand to wave him HI….. He started walking away without listening to my HI!!! I've gone behind him calling out loud uncle it's me Vaava uncle listen!!! Then he started moving fast, I tried my best to move fast but I couldn't… I was struggling to move fast then someone called me Sherin I woke up from sleep, a female voice informed me surgery is been over…….I was on one moving stretcher and that ends ups in a large room carrying lot of beds and stopped in one corner of that…. I saw my Surgeon standing near my bed asking how you are, Sherin…. I replied fine in a choked voice…. How are you feeling now I said I’m feeling icy cold…. He commanded one nurse to cover me with blanket… I saw My mom there to see me… asked how are you, again I uttered fine…. I moved my left hand from bed to touch her.... She hold that for a couple of seconds then said now I’m going I’m not allowed to be here for long and turned back…. Then sister… she also repeated the same words how are you??? By panting a kiss on my hand and marking a cross on my head with fingers she moved away….. Then I dragged again on sleep I heard another voice calling me Vaava and I opened my eyes it was my uncle Mohan standing near my bed….. I tried to touch him by moving my left hand… he hold my hand, covered with his other hand and that was warm and I held him tight, I felt my dad is there…. He asked me how you feeling now??? I replied icy cold… he asked about this with one nurse, she replied its common after anesthesia so no problem… He repeated those words with me and asked my permission to leave I shook my head….. Then Dr. Oommen again appeared and he asked me about my regular eye medicine… I replied having one eye drops and an eye ointment, he again commanded to those nurses to get that from my mother…. I wish to tell him no…. It doesn't require today… I could spend one day without that….. But my lips didn't move… I was trying to talk but no..... why????? After a while Dr. Jeomy came, said HI Sherin…… I wish to ask him a number of things.... about my anesthesia, about my surgery but lips cheated me again…. In that grief I opened my eyes wide open …… struggled to talk but no It was a failed attempt…. He smiled and turned away I wish to call him back but all went in vain… why I’m like this??? I felt sad…. Then I consoled myself that impulses might not be working…..

Night was horrible.... was on sound sleep till midnight… then one child has been admitted there near my bed…. His parents were also there and that kid was screaming like hell… I got irritated and lost the hope to sleep again…. Then one angel (nurse) shifted that kids bed to another corner so that his voice would not reach my bed and a guy replaced that area…. I felt happy and comfort…. Tried to sleep… checked my teeth which haven’t been covered with brace and found that missed.. ohh they removed that area… yippee!!!! I found the place where they did the cut an extraction hehe…… I’ve heard that guy murmuring and mumbling and talking continuously in a lowest voice… I wondered cell phones are allowed here or what???? Then I discovered that guy is making contradictory statements…. I felt sad…… wish to know why he is admitted here….. Then that angel came near me and helped me to drink juice (mango slice) and cold water….. I asked for hot but they denied….. Arranged another drip and went…… I lay down there thinking the possibilities of my bone’s joining and protection… Linkin Park's 'Nobody is listening' song popped out on my mind, Did those lines dedicate to my present condition or what??? But i have reply.... in that song itself hmmmm..... Keerti's face turned up on my mind.... Today will be her 4th day post surgery....  She might be recovering from swellings and the pain which was haunting her like hell.... Then my mind fully occupied with that general ward.....How they are doing???? where’ll be my mother and sister now???? At general ward??? If so how’ll they survive……..

Less than 12 hours to go……

Today morning, had another appointment with Dr. Rodney at dental practice to check whether all fittings are fine inside my mouth or what….. He found all broken inside and asked whether I’ve chewed something or what…. According to Dr. Murukan’s advice I brought the hardest chappathi and paratha and chewed vigorously… He  and Dr Jeomy started laughing and told me that all just to make my bite properly and now I’ve damaged all the fittings so don’t repeat that again….:)

I’m now here admitted…. The great Ananthapuri Hospitals and Research Centre… I check in here around 11 AM and got admission after passing a regular fitness check by the anesthetist, Dr .Sreevidya… She is from thrissur i guess, having a nice thrissur slang and i asked her about my chest xray's parts, she described that all to me... I liked her way of talking she is sooo generous.... And she confirmed no issue…..But I got admission on that hectic general ward only…. General ward is the most pathetic ward of whole universe I guess….. White cloths (we cannot mention that cloth as white cuz color changed long before) hanging everywhere and which gives the memory of haunted house in some English movies(Movie, The Others i'm sure)…..  The toilet and bathroom scares me a lot it’s like earth just back from the big-band explosion…. I was able to identify those evolutionary particles too apart from God- particle… hehe just joking:):)…. The mug, bucket which they've provided remembered me my school days…  My Parassala Government girl’s high school…. it all broken and the stinky smell made an uncontrollable urge to vomit….. I looked above in search of God and cried hard….. At that moment, for the first time in this treatment period I felt giving up all here and run away through the streets of Chaka (where this hospital situated) as an unidentifiable alien……. But my God helped me, I able to take a half bath, put up with those suffocation's, tears rolled on my cheeks then I told myself…. I’m the responsible for this….. I only behind ‘em like anything to do this…. So bear it!!!!!!…….

Now its 8’o(PM) clock… only 12 more hours left for my BIG operation…. I’m here thinking ways to sleep, pass time and fresh up my mind……

The things which I’m most afraid of:

1. Having dreams during the anesthetic

2. Waking up and talking a load of weird things and revealing my secrets

3. How much pain i’m going to be in when i wake up (and for the next two weeks/months after that!)

4. Waking up/becoming conscious during the anesthetic. (According to the book i just read this is an uncommon/rare side effect, and happens to less than 1 in 1000 people. Now I’m no statistician, but those odds sound way too risky to be starring in your own private horror film if you ask me)

5. My bones refusal for joining

6. The hospital cancelling the operation

7. Not being able to have a drink of water for like hours and hours and hours….

8. Waking up and not being able to breathe

9. Looking in the mirror after the operation

10. Being hungry all the time

11. Tube feeding

12. Going permanently on coma.

13. Swelling’s denial to go back

14. Forgetting everything and everybody

15. My face remains like this.

The things which I’m looking forward to:

1. Getting these braces off

2. Having a nice bite with all my teeth the right way round

3. Getting a new face (just hope and I’ll have that and if I have that i like it!)

4. Lying around doing nothing, reading, watching movies and surfing internet

I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep today…. In this much hot and unhealthy atmosphere… just found a friend here…. Staff nurse Miss. Sheba Sarah Varghese, chatted with her for a while, complained her about this damn general ward where I’m now sitting in, and enquired about tomorrow’s procedures….. In the mean time my surgeon Dr. Jeomy visited me and said, adjust here for today, after operation anyhow you’ll be shifted to room……  Sheba has given me some pills to swallow, I think sleeping pills yet not feeling sleepy but she is over my head!!!!!!

Right going to bed to catch up with some beauty sleep…..!!!!!

Bystander Bed

Patient's Bed

                                     

Ananthapuri General Ward

Third Disappointment......

And I’ve got severe cold … I ringed my friend Dr. Ajith for help…. He told me that nothing is there to worry in that…. Surgery would be there unless and until it get affect my throat… I called Dr. Jeomy, he said it will get postpone if I’ve severe cold but I didn’t even dare to think like that way…… My mind was rejecting that fully….. But that proved right….. Today when I check in here the anesthetist Dr. Shaji Azad talked very nicely with me, inquired about the chest xray and ECG results which i've taken the previous visit and said no need of showing that to him but i insist he should see that, if he doesn't wanna see that why should i spent money on that... He burst out laughing and checked all.... But he denied to give fitness since i've running nose.….  He said since this surgery is not an emergency case one we have time to clear this… wait for a couple days to finish cold… My Surgeon has fixed another day for my surgery 5 days later, i.e. 25th April 2012….. And prescribed some tablets tooo, AUGMENTIN, LEAVOCET and advised to take steam 3 times a day which I ever hates…….

The pre-surgery appointment

My surgeon described me once again the steps of surgery and fixed 11th for the anesthetic fitness….

Since my mom is having some unavoidable meetings my mom’s sister accompanied me for the anesthetic fitness at hospital Ananthapuri…..…. It went pretty well apart from that lab technician spilled my blood on me while taking that from my body….:) Anesthetist Dr Divya is sooo beautiful… I loved her smile….. she is having a beautiful smile though her upper jaw is having a small projection!!!!Talked very friendly with me and said I’m perfectly fit for the surgery……!!!!!!

I’ve bought myself a some front open t-shirts and a pair of pyjamas for hospital, and my sister got me some slippers, so that’s me sorted then…. Well my mom is here to look after me, I’m going to ask her to take a photo of me every day so i can post it up here…. I’ve started thinking about my surgery stages seriously so I brought a book about anesthesia (which part is still not clear for me) and read that…….

Had a visit to Vettukad church today along with my family to pray for my fast recovery and light up 101 candles….. I uttered psalms 34 words 5-8 and prayed

“I sought the LORD and He answered me;

He delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.

The poor man called. And the LORD heard him;

He saved him out of all his troubles.

The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear Him. 

And He delivers them”

Again Models!!!!!!

I’ve lost trust in my doctors and I stopped believing them hence I thought this just another drama to make me calm temporarily…. But they were serious…. Dr Jeomy called me and directed me to Dr. Murukan once again to get models……

Once again Crown’s dental clinic!!!!! It was a nice experience, whole two days at crown’s dental clinic with Dr. Murukan and Rajitha (his assistant)… I thought I’ll be boring there after the first round of measurements  so took a book along with me to pass time…. But that book was “Death And After” by the Great V.R Krishaiyyar…. Honestly speaking, that book is little bit boring cuz its not fiction and I felt sleepy and my eyes started feeling hard to control so I stopped reading and asked Rajitha for some other books but she said she is only having religious stuffs so I started chatting with her…. After a while we became a sort of friends…..   second day was very much hectic for me….. One steel ring pushed into my ears and Dr. Murukan pulled that steel rod which attached to that ring (facebow)…  I felt like earth is shaking and i’m moving with that upward… tried to measure the angle which I created with earth…. It was exactly 90 and I’m going upwards……. My head gonna hit the roof!!! If so, I’ll fall down immediately just after touching the roof, then my velocity gonna reduce to -9.8m/s with time, with each second… It wont take more than 5 seconds to reach the ground then 36 kg object falling vertically downwards, expecting to reach ground within 5 seconds then will I able to bear the cause made by that falling effect??? I wondered……  But Dr. Murukan’s voice wake me up… Nothing happened!!! I’m still on chair and that facebow has been removed from my ears!!!!  Then he ordered Rajita to boil one bowl of water at 100cc, i startled to hear that, plzzz don't do anything, i'm the most obedient girl in this whole world. i pleaded... !!!!  they burst out laughing, but i really mean it lolzzzz..:):) …  Again chatting with Rajita….. Now I happily found we became friends!!!!! Dr. Murukan had some doubts about some measurements which they’ve taken and he asked me to visit Dr. Oommen at his home to clarify that doubt.. Evening time, alone travelling from one place to another huh I thought I’m all alone in this world but God helped to overcome that too…. I reached Dr. Oommen’s clinic as fast as possible I can and they clarified that doubt too… then I ringed my cousin and he reached kumarapuram (Dr. Oommen’s Clinic) to pick me up from there…… hmmm I’m not actually alone in this world!!!!

Then the very next day again a problem has shown up!!! My bite is not getting properly on models!!!!! Dr. Murukan and Ragita tried many times again and again and finally that issue also got fixed……

Had another visit to my orthodontist, Dr. Rodney to assemble my teeth for the operation… he placed some screws inside…. I found two teeth on both jaws brace-less inside later….. that might be extracted I thought….. I decided to check that after operation……

I’ve now got a date too. A date for my BIG surgery, 20th april 2012…. :) My surgeon has given me a brief introduction about the stages which I gonna pass through…. Swelling would be there all over face… Nerve sensation will go off on both jaws and lips……My doctor said though that the nerve sensation could take quite a few months to come back, which isn’t good news tooo because it feels really freaky. But I was knowing it long before so nothing as NEW in that……Throat pain and nose pain would be there for some days since they are putting tubes through….. I’ll be giving liquid kinda food at first then I could go back to normal food gradaully….:)